why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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