She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
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