i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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