so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Randomize