naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
