that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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