I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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