remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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