why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Bang-toberfest begins!!
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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