Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Quick, to the slutcave!
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
