mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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