They should really pass out barf bags in church
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
