Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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