Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Randomize