On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Randomize
