I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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