Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
