I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Randomize
