When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize