i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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