checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
