I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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