"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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