I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
