forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Randomize
