Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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