why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
