how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
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