I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
