if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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