New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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