the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
