tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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