I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
