I will die if light touches me.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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