I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Randomize
