I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
