tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
barbara walters just said penis...
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
