OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
