I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
Randomize
