My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
