Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
