I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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