I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize