Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
