oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
