hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
