Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
