Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
