call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
