Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
