You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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