Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
