I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Randomize
