There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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