My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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