So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Randomize
