Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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