my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
We need a shit load of segways right now
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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