he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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