If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
