A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Randomize
